finding it very hard..

To concentrate on anything at the moment. I've had this retarded migraine for about *thinking* almost a month now. No joke. Been to the ER. Been to hell (which I think I'm still in.. my eyes hurt, my neck hurts, my whole BEING hurts) and still I can't figure out how people can mistake a simple headache from a migraine. I think it took every ounce of control to NOT throw something large and potentially lethal at the co-worker who was like "maybe its a slow aneurysm". Really? How can I say "shut up as polite as possible without shoving a handful of lyme in his face? PUFF! BURN! maybe it'll reach his eyes and make me THAT much happier.

not really. I don't wish this pain on anyone.

please pray that this ends soon.

Musings with music

It's the end of July, and I honestly keep wondering where the summer has gone. It's easy to wonder that when you've sat inside an office in a basement, coding, or waiting to code on an assignment..when in all honesty what I've been doing has been a little bit of this, and that, making sure I'm learning more and more since Steve Jobs has made his disdain for Flash and Adobe prevalent, thus making my whole world turn upside down, work-wise. Constant headaches, unfortunately. I've been picking up a lot of side work lately, but this too comes with it's own guilt and headaches and time limits, and constraints on my life, meaning, less sleep or less time with my daughter. Since I refuse to give up the less time with my daughter.. the less sleep it is.
It's odd, when you think about it.. the impact of one persons actions on the whole of another. What someone does truly DOES affect what happens to you, or someone you know, and not normally by means you can control. Makes me think of karma in a whole new way. Almost as if, yes, you do a good deed, and it's not that YOU get something good out of it, other than the self satisfaction of a 'good deed'.. but someone somewhere gets something good out of it. Not necessarily you, but someone, somewhere. Just a bit of musing.
Alright.. now on a TOTALLY different direction, while out on the web, check some of these places out out!!
My Drunk Kitchen (totally hilarious)
Dooce (a SAHM mommy blogger with 2 kids and 2 doggies.. and totally sarcastic.)

have a great day and I'm gonna try and write some more, because writing makes me feel a little better, here and there

Batten Down the Hatches, Mates!!

This just in from the BBC:
"A "mild tsunami" along the South West coast was probably caused by an underwater landslide, a coastal expert has said.

The unusual tidal surge struck the Cornwall, Devon, Dorset and Hampshire coastline on Monday morning.

There were reports of rivers changing direction, fish leaping out of water and hair standing on end due to static.

Dr Mark Davidson, from the University of Plymouth, said the surge was quite a "rare" occurrence.

The first reports of the event came from St Michael's Mount in Cornwall.

Boatman Dave Ladner said: "The funniest thing was on the causeway all the ladies' hair was standing on end with the static.

“...it was pouring over the causeway like a torrent”

Roland Stewart

"The sea on the eastern side was probably 8ins (20cm) to a 1ft (0.3m) higher than the rest and it was pouring over the causeway like a torrent rather than just a gentle meeting in the middle."

Roland Stewart from Millbrook, near Plymouth, said: "It was quite violent in a way, my dinghy was moving around with the movement of the water and I just wondered what the hell was going on.... within 15 minutes it was all over."

Amateur video footage shot on the Yealm estuary, to the east of Plymouth, shows the surge.

Bob Brown was launching his dinghy at the mouth of estuary at 1015 BST, an hour after low tide when he saw the wave.

He said: "The tide was coming in from left to right, all of a sudden it stopped coming in from the sea and went back the other way.

"It came back at quite a force, all the boats were bobbing around.

The sea at St Michael's Mount is normally "a gentle meeting in the middle" of the causeway

"To see a tide suddenly stop and go back the other way at four times the speed was unbelievable."

He said a local landowner told him the first thing he noticed was "lots and lots of fish jumping out of the water".

Dr Davidson, an associate professor in coastal processes, told BBC Spotlight: "[Surges] are quite rare and it's probably not a tidal phenomenon.

"It's probably more likely to be a tsunami of some kind, obviously it's quite mild."

8" to a FOOT???? really Britain? a Tsunami???

all built up and no where to go

One of my most favorite musicians/producers/composers etc in the world is BT (Brian Transeau). This past Saturday, I had the crazy wonderment of being able to be at a club where he was spinning live, in Detroit. Now, this man isn't hard on the eyes, has a beautiful daughter, and so, I won't delude myself that I KNOW him, but I have a different kind of respect for a guy who does his 'music thing' and then takes care of his daughter like a REAL man should. It melts my heart and I want to hug him and just be like.."I like you THAT much more!!" Just so he knows it (not like he cares) and smile on the inside, because to me, people need to know that they matter to other people, and not just on the surface. Unfortunately... I did not enjoy his DJing skills as much as I thought I would :( and it did sound pretty much like everyone else until around 1am.. at which time he started mixing some of his tracks in with whatever it was he was mixing. I enjoy, I mean, TRULY enjoy mixing skills. I can't do it. I would LOVE to know how they do it.. and just figure it out from there, but, lets be honest.. I already have too many pokers in the fire. But my main disappointment stemmed from the fact that someone that I had built up in my head since ...1996? Suddenly was less than 3 ft from me and real. I could see him. And I wasn't impressed by the music. :( and that hurt. Because to me, music is life. Art is life. Without them, I would have no way of expression, no outlet; no way in or out. It's not that it SUCKED by any means.. just.. not what I expected. Sigh.

Above all this..

Woman must not accept; she must challenge.
She must not be awed by that which has been built up around her;
she must reverence that woman in her which struggles for expression.

~ Margaret Sanger ~

flippity floppity, which way do we droppity?

Okay.. so. I'm 'on lunch', and since I can't stand sweat soaked feet (I was planning on re-starting my "workout at lunch" idea, but found that I hadn't remembered my socks.. and I'm not wearing any with my current shoes..the workout things a no go. So I will eat instead this food I brought that's supposed to make me NOT hungry (yeah right..I'm craving Brooklyns Pizza right now) and anticipating derby practice tonight. Thinking about my schedule for the week, and I already feel a sense of Dread. This is supposed to be Memorial Day weekend.. and well, it is. Nothing can change this. And my best friend T is coming in from TEXAS (High Five to Lone Stars) from Friday till June 1st. So I'll get to pop in and visit her for a bit... but the things that's hanging on my head is this whole Derby thing.
I WAS on one team. Some stuff happened. Another team was born from this main team, this one promises to take the short comings of the first and improve upon them and be more competitive. Currently I'm involved in both teams.. at least till the end of May, because you simply can't play dues to 2 teams, it's against the rules in Derby-land. You CAN, however, 'drop-in' on practices and pay a nominal fee (usually to the tune of $7) and skate with the people that USED to be your friends and have everything feel weird, which we all know is awesome.
My decision has already been made as to who I'm skating with, and people already know my decision.. but I can't help feeling like a creep no matter what I do. I know I can't make anybody happy but me, but right now, I don't feel oh so happy.

Aren't we supposed to be a team?

so.. I'm on a local roller derby team. And for practice, we normally do endurance, warm-up, and scrimmage against ourselves for practice. I understand this and I'm not complaining.. this is how we get better. Sometimes, the working with 30+ women on a team really cranks me, but all of the conflicting personalities can be both a blessing and a curse.

The other night, for example.. we were practicing and it seemed that a vendetta was to be had from some of the players on the one team versus the players on our team. Mind you.. the Travel Team (all Star Team that goes and plays against other teams) pools from players on each of our teams .. and we have a scrimmage against a real team on Sunday, so injuries are NOT a good idea at this point. What happens, you ask? INJURIES!! Girls from the opposite team were overly vicious towards players on our team.. myself included. And the thing is.. I know roller derby is a violent, contact sport.. but it's a violent contact sport with RULES!!! It's necessary to have these rules to PLAY to AVOID UNNECESSARY injuries.. and these girls played 'dirty pool' just to .. to...? what? I dunno? But it makes me mad.. and annoyed and really... REALLY pissed off. I get hit in the face by a girl slamming her helmet into my face (intentional) which is illegal, and others on my team, totally eradicated. And we needed them for Sunday. Honestly, it makes me wonder if this is what I want to do, sometimes. I love this sport. But pettiness, I do not.

times like these..

I'm not even sure what to write. After our meeting, in which our boss pretty much said "you all need to learn a new skill set to incorporate to your existing skill set, otherwise it's gonna become REAL uncomfortable for us all".. dealing with a reaction to a sulfa drug over the weekend during which I seriously bit off my nails so that I wouldn't scratch myself bloody (I have hives or whatever these things are IN MY EARS!! and on my feet and other unmentionable spots), my head is killing me, and my head is just swimming. I mean, yeah I know that Flash and web development isn't 'the ULTIMATE', but THANKS Steve Jobs for fucking us. I appreciate it. Because you made the Ipads incompatible with Flash, everyone is all "oh.. HTML5 and blah blah blah".. excuse me for a second..
I LOVE Apple. I LOVE their over-priced, sleek designs and often over tuned, over manufactured products.. but the iPad?? No thank you. GAY. and now, because people are concerned about the 'interactivity of their actions on their little iPads' my job is changing.. yet again.
BOGUS!