all built up and no where to go

One of my most favorite musicians/producers/composers etc in the world is BT (Brian Transeau). This past Saturday, I had the crazy wonderment of being able to be at a club where he was spinning live, in Detroit. Now, this man isn't hard on the eyes, has a beautiful daughter, and so, I won't delude myself that I KNOW him, but I have a different kind of respect for a guy who does his 'music thing' and then takes care of his daughter like a REAL man should. It melts my heart and I want to hug him and just be like.."I like you THAT much more!!" Just so he knows it (not like he cares) and smile on the inside, because to me, people need to know that they matter to other people, and not just on the surface. Unfortunately... I did not enjoy his DJing skills as much as I thought I would :( and it did sound pretty much like everyone else until around 1am.. at which time he started mixing some of his tracks in with whatever it was he was mixing. I enjoy, I mean, TRULY enjoy mixing skills. I can't do it. I would LOVE to know how they do it.. and just figure it out from there, but, lets be honest.. I already have too many pokers in the fire. But my main disappointment stemmed from the fact that someone that I had built up in my head since ...1996? Suddenly was less than 3 ft from me and real. I could see him. And I wasn't impressed by the music. :( and that hurt. Because to me, music is life. Art is life. Without them, I would have no way of expression, no outlet; no way in or out. It's not that it SUCKED by any means.. just.. not what I expected. Sigh.

Above all this..

Woman must not accept; she must challenge.
She must not be awed by that which has been built up around her;
she must reverence that woman in her which struggles for expression.

~ Margaret Sanger ~

flippity floppity, which way do we droppity?

Okay.. so. I'm 'on lunch', and since I can't stand sweat soaked feet (I was planning on re-starting my "workout at lunch" idea, but found that I hadn't remembered my socks.. and I'm not wearing any with my current shoes..the workout things a no go. So I will eat instead this food I brought that's supposed to make me NOT hungry (yeah right..I'm craving Brooklyns Pizza right now) and anticipating derby practice tonight. Thinking about my schedule for the week, and I already feel a sense of Dread. This is supposed to be Memorial Day weekend.. and well, it is. Nothing can change this. And my best friend T is coming in from TEXAS (High Five to Lone Stars) from Friday till June 1st. So I'll get to pop in and visit her for a bit... but the things that's hanging on my head is this whole Derby thing.
I WAS on one team. Some stuff happened. Another team was born from this main team, this one promises to take the short comings of the first and improve upon them and be more competitive. Currently I'm involved in both teams.. at least till the end of May, because you simply can't play dues to 2 teams, it's against the rules in Derby-land. You CAN, however, 'drop-in' on practices and pay a nominal fee (usually to the tune of $7) and skate with the people that USED to be your friends and have everything feel weird, which we all know is awesome.
My decision has already been made as to who I'm skating with, and people already know my decision.. but I can't help feeling like a creep no matter what I do. I know I can't make anybody happy but me, but right now, I don't feel oh so happy.

Aren't we supposed to be a team?

so.. I'm on a local roller derby team. And for practice, we normally do endurance, warm-up, and scrimmage against ourselves for practice. I understand this and I'm not complaining.. this is how we get better. Sometimes, the working with 30+ women on a team really cranks me, but all of the conflicting personalities can be both a blessing and a curse.

The other night, for example.. we were practicing and it seemed that a vendetta was to be had from some of the players on the one team versus the players on our team. Mind you.. the Travel Team (all Star Team that goes and plays against other teams) pools from players on each of our teams .. and we have a scrimmage against a real team on Sunday, so injuries are NOT a good idea at this point. What happens, you ask? INJURIES!! Girls from the opposite team were overly vicious towards players on our team.. myself included. And the thing is.. I know roller derby is a violent, contact sport.. but it's a violent contact sport with RULES!!! It's necessary to have these rules to PLAY to AVOID UNNECESSARY injuries.. and these girls played 'dirty pool' just to .. to...? what? I dunno? But it makes me mad.. and annoyed and really... REALLY pissed off. I get hit in the face by a girl slamming her helmet into my face (intentional) which is illegal, and others on my team, totally eradicated. And we needed them for Sunday. Honestly, it makes me wonder if this is what I want to do, sometimes. I love this sport. But pettiness, I do not.

times like these..

I'm not even sure what to write. After our meeting, in which our boss pretty much said "you all need to learn a new skill set to incorporate to your existing skill set, otherwise it's gonna become REAL uncomfortable for us all".. dealing with a reaction to a sulfa drug over the weekend during which I seriously bit off my nails so that I wouldn't scratch myself bloody (I have hives or whatever these things are IN MY EARS!! and on my feet and other unmentionable spots), my head is killing me, and my head is just swimming. I mean, yeah I know that Flash and web development isn't 'the ULTIMATE', but THANKS Steve Jobs for fucking us. I appreciate it. Because you made the Ipads incompatible with Flash, everyone is all "oh.. HTML5 and blah blah blah".. excuse me for a second..
I LOVE Apple. I LOVE their over-priced, sleek designs and often over tuned, over manufactured products.. but the iPad?? No thank you. GAY. and now, because people are concerned about the 'interactivity of their actions on their little iPads' my job is changing.. yet again.
BOGUS!

down time

So I have some. and it's incredible.. but it allows me to think..

and I think a LOT as it is.. about time, time management, things in my life, what I've done wrong, relationship and otherwise, how to fix things, what to do differently, and how to NOT do the same things over and over again.

I don't like to dwell. I HATE it, but we all do it. I just need a place where I can vent it all out and the people/persons in questions can't get at it, don't know it's there and will just leave me alone.. and in the land of the world wide web.. where the inter-webs transport information like so many pulsations of light.. I feel trapped. Anyone else feel trapped by technology? I mean, it's my JOB to get tech, to work it, to advertise, to sell, to get it to bow to my whim.. and also make it DO WHAT THE CLIENT WANTS!!!! but when it comes to a persons OWN life??.. that's where the issues in MY life have come.

things are getting a little wonky..

working.
overtime.
a LOT of it.. and like everyone else in the world.. I'm thrilled to have a job, esp in this job market. a good job at that. I just miss my daughter. miss being able to sleep. being able to eat at a regular interval... and not feeling like i'm cut off from the regular world except for thru the computer. it's a rather surreal feeling, when you start to think that people that you read their tweets and blogs are your friends.

I really need to get out and create something :)